Graeme Rayner, Feature Writer
Twitter: @b1g_daddy_g

Friday 13th was unlucky for all fans of professional in the land, as the COVID-19 pandemic caused the suspension of all professional football in England. So what happens now?

If, like me, your Saturdays revolve around football during the season (and if they don’t, why are you reading this? Self-isolation must be bad if you hate football but ended up here!) then the first weekend without football will have been a bit odd. I took my lad Fred to his football training and then in the afternoon, while my wife and our daughter Rose were out at a theatre in Manchester watching “Riverdance” (no, me neither!) we had to fill our time doing “stuff” when we’d rather have been having a pie and watching Town struggle to beat Wigan. (We played some FIFA, built a catapult and watched the original Men in Black - Fred’s request).

My fear that there will be weeks of this, maybe months, look likely to come true now that we are in a lock-down that North Korea would be proud of. The one thing that helped me pass the time was discussing with mates what the options were for the EFL when it comes to how to conclude the 2019/2020 season. Here is the table as it stands:

The reality seems to be that football is unlikely to recommence on 4 April. So what to do? There are loads of options flying around, the two most obvious and (for different reasons) controversial being to either a) cancel the whole thing, no winners, losers, promotion, or relegation (Imagine the fall out in Bootle and Beeston!) or b) stop everything now, and where you are in the table is your final position (very harsh on Aston Villa in the EPL as they are in the bottom 3 with a game in hand, and would be relegated, and on fans of seeing Leeds implode every year who are looking forward to their final wobble). Putting those options aside, what ideas are there? I’ve tasked some of our contributors to come up with their own idea and argue the case, just for fun.

Graeme Rayner

My idea is simple. Over the 4 day Easter weekend have a play-off style event, one day for each of the top 4 divisions, with each of the remaining matches decided by penalty shoot-out. Each team sends their chosen keeper and 5 chosen penalty takers. This 6 man squad must all have started a first team league game this season, to avoid any “ringers” from the youth squad who are amazing penalty takers but not ready for first team football.

Each round of fixtures will be played in order, behind closed doors, televised live on free to air TV and SKY/BT simultaneously. 5 penalties each, if level after the 5 penalties, each team gets a point, otherwise the winner gets 3 points. Give the country some form of live sport to watch, and resolve things with a format that is tried and trusted - penalties apply in the cup competitions and in the play-offs (as we well know!) and it would be unforgettable. League 2 on Good Friday, League 1 on Saturday, Championship on Easter Sunday and the Premier League on Bank Holiday Monday. Flawless. Plus, we like penalties, don’t we?

Brady Frost

I think the EFL need to finish this season, no matter what the time frame. It’s better to finish the season and settle promotion and relegation, then focus on next season which hasn’t started.

I want to be able to go back to the John Smith’s Stadium and cheer the boys on, but it’s looking increasingly unlikely that’s going to happen anytime soon. The longer the outbreak goes on, the more I’d argue that they play behind closed doors to finish the season.

There’s a relief package from the league to EFL clubs, which is a loan to cover costs over this uncertain period. I’d suggest that if that is enough to sustain clubs, they should use it to make the last nine games free to watch for all spectators, not just season ticket holders. That way, fans can still watch their team and it covers match day revenues for the clubs. No fan wants to watch their team behind closed doors, but I think given the circumstances making this a free service to all would ease some of the resistance.

Nathan Stewart

There’s only nine games to go. Provided that we’re not going to all be stuck indoors interminably, I think the easiest course of action is to continue postponing the season as long as it’s safe, and then coming right back at it with two-game weeks until all is resolved football-wise, whenever that may be. In an event as unprecedented as this, there are certainly going to be some long-term consequences, but if they can reschedule two whole seasons for the sake of the Qatar World Cup, I’m sure something can be worked out.

While for many (not least on here!), the first thoughts on the idea of an abandoned season would be directed to the poor souls in Leeds and Liverpool, it is also important to consider the ramifications of points deductions that have been handed out this season. If there were to be no promotion or relegation, do Bolton start next season on minus 12 again? Nevertheless, I hold onto the hope of months of postponements causing a total loss of momentum, leading to a classic Beeston bottling, Liverpool letting it slip, and Bradford staying in the basement.

The only solution that would allow that to happen is to finish the season, as long as it takes. If it eats significantly into the scheduled calendar for next season, then there is a precedent from abroad we can look at. Between 2016 and 2017, the Argentine league system transitioned from a February-November season to an August-May one. This ended up with 2016, from February to May, being a mini-season, in which national leagues were split in half geographically, with final playoffs to determine promotion. To account for disparity in quality in the regional leagues, relegation was put off until the following season, and decided by each team’s points coefficient over the preceding three seasons.

So, in the event of COVID-19 causing havoc beyond this summer, we could have a Championship mini-season, a north and south league of 12 teams each. Champions go up, second and third enter a national playoffs, we sort out relegation on a coefficient basis (including any points deductions) once everything gets back to normal, and as a side-effect, people might get interested in the domestic cup competitions again

John McNamara

Experts are keen to tell us that the novel Coronavirus first emerged in bats before being transferred to the human population in Wuhan, China. Whilst I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I must tell you all now, that you have been deceived by these ‘so-called experts’.

The Coronavirus did not emerge in bats, rather it was concocted in a witch’s cauldron somewhere on the M62 between Leeds and Liverpool. Sceptical? I don’t blame you. Sit back and relax whilst I explain to you why we are in the clutches of a pandemic and how we can stop it right in its tracks…

Three decades ago a young woman was accosted in a pub by delirious Liverpool fans who serenaded her with songs of their team’s glory and dominance. Our beleaguered protagonist did not take kindly to this ‘laddy banter’ and responded to the signing with great anger and furious vengeance.

“From this day forward, your team of degenerates shall never win another league title!” She bellowed.

“Shut up you tart” retorted the witty and erudite Liverpool supporters, but their comments fell on deaf ears as the young lady vanished into thin air…

A dozen years later the woman, now slightly older, found herself drinking alone in the Aire Bar in Leeds. The warm glow of the afternoon sun reflected lightly up from the surface of the shimmering river, her half-drunk beer bubbled lazily in her glass and a feeling of peace and tranquillity enveloped her.

Suddenly and without warning, this afternoon bliss was taken from her as five inebriated men staggered into the bar singing, “WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE” at an ever-increasing volume.

“I must endure this hell” she thought, as she took a swig of her expensively bought ale. Her newfound powers of restraint buckled however, when one of the gentlemen produced an inflatable dog and began theatrically bumming it in full view of her and the other afternoon drinkers.

“YOU THERE!” She shrieked. “You DIRTY LEEDS BASTARDS! I decree from this day forth that your beloved team shall be plagued by financial difficulties which will result in your eternal banishment to the lower leagues of English football!”

Cutting her off, the Leeds fans responded with a chant of, “YOU’RE ONLY HERE TO SEE THE LEEDS.”

Bubbling with rage, the woman added, “IN ADDITION YOUR CLUB SHALL BE FOREVER SYNONYMOUS WITH THE WORD NONCE” before vanishing into thin air and returning to her Witch hut.

At the time of both incidents, neither fan group took this woman’s threats seriously, they merely shrugged them off and continued with their obnoxious behaviour. However, as the years went by word got out of the witch’s curse and both Leeds and Liverpool fans began to truly believe that their clubs were forever more cursed.

Both club hierarchies employed the services of Peterborough chairman Barry Fry to break the curse, after his success with a similar predicament at Birmingham decades earlier. However, their efforts were to no avail.

Season after season, both club’s hopes and dreams would go up in smoke, even when it appeared when failure seemed harder than success.

With Barry Fry’s urine proving unsuccessful in lifting the curse, both club’s sought to overcome their fate by investing huge sums of money into their football operations. Finally, it appeared as if both Leeds and Liverpool would overcome the curse once and for all.

With the Reds flying high at the top of the Premier League and Leeds looking set for a return to the Premier League, the witch was furious. It seemed as though her curse was being ignored by both clubs.

As a warning shot, she convinced Donald Trump to stir up the possibility of World War Three by assassinating an Iranian government official. Almost immediately, Leeds United embarked on a period of poor form. Liverpool however, paid no heed to this warning, in fact they continued to win game after game in the league.

The Australian bushfires were yet another warning from the witch for both clubs to cease their good form. Unfortunately for the wider world, this warning fell on deaf ears at Thorp Arch and Melwood.

Liverpool and Leeds were both content on seeing the world around them burn as long as it meant that they could break their sporting curses. Well, the witch had other ideas and that, my friends is why we are in the clutches of a global pandemic.

The witch’s hatred of both clubs is so strong that she will happily see the whole world around her crumble and die before Liverpool and Leeds break their curses.

So, for the greater good of not only football, but the world in general I implore you to rid the world of the evils of Liverpool and Leeds United. We must act now and call on our governments to abolish these putrid, devilish and villainous empires.

Only then, and I truly mean this, can we overcome the threat of Coronavirus and return to our normal lives. Talk of crowning Liverpool champions and granting Leeds promotion will only anger the witch even further.

For the world to live, Leeds and Liverpool must cease their footballing operations forthwith. I urge you, heed these words or prepare to meet your doom!

Summary

So there we have it, folks. A fun idea, an irritatingly sensible one, a complex but interesting one, and a plan that is clearly the result of cabin fever. Tweet us your best ideas and we’ll share them, and we’ll update this article and add them below.